Horror movies for pussies

Last night I did something I rarely do: I a saw scary movie in the theatre. 

I doubt that 10 Cloverfield Lane counts as a horror movie by die-hard horror fans, but this was a big step for me—like having vertigo and riding a roller coaster. 

I have a really hard time with violence and tension in the movies. I recently watched Better Call Saul on Netflix, and there were a few episodes where I was squinting my eyes and looking away from the television because I was afraid someone was going to get their head blown off.

I hate being scared in public. I recently watched The Road Warrior at a theatre in my neighbourhood—a movie I have already seen—and I actually yelled in surprise at something that happened near the end. The only thing worse then yelling in fear in a packed theatre, is having your friend double over laughing at you after you do it. He recently told me the memory of my being scared is what cheers him up when he’s in a bad mood.  

The last scary movie I saw in the theatre was Prometheus—again, not very big on on the horror Richter scale—but scary enough that I worried my friends would be embarrassed to be seen with me when we left the theatre. 

Prometheus is notable in my history of scary movies because   my phone vibrated in my pocket when Noomi Rapace was literally being chased around a spaceship by her own abortion, and I jumped out of my seat. It felt like someone had used a defibrillator on me. Luckily, the people I was with were so grossed out by what was happening on the screen they didn’t notice. 

The reason I wanted to see 10 Cloverfield Lane in the theatre is because I loved the original and every review I tried read about the sequel began with spoiler alert warnings. I figured I better man up and see it on the big screen or risk having the movie ruined for me. I’m glad I did, because as soon as I mentioned I saw the movie on Facebook, a ton of my friends ruined the movie for everyone else commenting on it in my newsfeed. 

For anyone that may be reading this that’s as chicken shit as I am, I can safely say 10 Cloverfield Lane is more tense than gory, and you can probably watch it without covering or squinting  your eyes. In other words, if you can hand An American Werewolf in London, you can handle0 Cloverfield Lane . The move doesn’t rely on cheap scares where things jump out of the dark when you least expect it, but the movie will get under your skin (unlike Super 8 which is horror for pussies, and that’s coming from me). Now that I know what happens, I would actually like to see it again with my eyes open.

The one thing I did come away with from 10 Cloverfield Lane is that if there were ever a serial killer on the loose or an alien invasion, I would be one of the first people to get killed. People are always telling me I’m brave, but I’m brave in a metropolitan sense; I’ll call people out on their shit if they’re being an asshole in public, but if it’s a matter of life and death I would be like, “Kill me now.” 

Hopefully there will never be a time when I have to lead the charge against a mortal enemy or lead the way out of a capsized boat. And if you ever cross my path in a life or death situation, whatever you do, go the other way because I will only get you killed.

Need a goos scare? Check this out:

About garpinbc

Author of the forthcoming "Same Love" published by Lorimer, as well as the memoir "Foodsluts at Doll & Penny's Cafe", and the YA short, "Haters Gotta Hate".
This entry was posted in Memoir, Movies and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to Horror movies for pussies

  1. artistpath says:

    OMG! You’re hilarious! I couldn’t stop laughing! Great job!

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